Wednesday August 23, 2006

Today on the Cactus and Reed Show, America's second revolutionaries, Tom and Jerry, Fidel Castro, and Wong Hoy.

Today beloved cartoon characters Tom and Jerry dropped by the show to protest actions by censors in Great Britain who are removing all instances of smoking from British airings of Tom and Jerry cartoons. Wong Hoy served Tom and Jerry a couple of martinis and they rested their cigar on Mr. Hoy's bar. The studio was then fined because smoking indoors in New York is illegal.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Today on the Cactus and Reed Show, it's 90 year old New York bartender Wong Hoy, Cesar Millan the Dog Whisperer, Shaggy, and at 7 feet from Georgetown, Gumby Gumby.

Today the Cactus and Reed Show welcomed Mr. Wong Hoy, the oldest living bartender in New York City. Mr. Hoy tends the bar at the Algonquin hotel. He regaled the hosts with tales of old New York, stories from when he served Judy Garland her Johnny Walker Red Label and martinis for Frank Sinatra. Mr. Hoy himself, however, does not drink. The Head of the Goddamn Mayor also stopped by to congratulate Mr. Hoy on his longevity and have him serve the mayor's favorite drink...a fuzzy navel.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Today on the Cactus and Reed Show with the Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan, Shaggy, Boy George, and his paparazzi.

Today on the Cactus and Reed Show, we had Cesar Millan, also known as The Dog Whisperer. Cesar has a hit TV show on the National Geographic Channel where uses his special dog psychology to tame nasty pooches from chihuahuas to Great Danes. Unfortunately, Cesar had no answers for our unruly co-workers.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Live from New York, it's the Cactus and Reed Show, with Dennis and Karen Koslowski, nee Mayo, Rosie Perez, and Intern #1.

Today, a very special Cactus and Reed Show with the divorceable Koslowskis. Karen and Dennis first met while Karen was a waitress in Florida. Dennis soon plucked her out from among his many mistresses and made her his second wife. He lavished gifts upon her including a $2 million birthday party in Sardinia featuring a replica of the statue of David that pissed vodka and a cake in the shape of a life sized nude woman. Dennis is currently residing in a medium security federal prison because of his embezzling of millions of dollars from his former company, Tyco. Karen decided that conjugal visits once a month in a small metal trailer and millions of dollars in expendable income and properties just wasn't enough; forcing her to file for divorce earlier today. We wish them both the best of luck during this trying time and hopefully Dennis will easily find himself another bitch in prison.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Live from New York, on the New Cactus and Reed Show, today we bid a fond farewell to Intern #1, Sharlynn Page and the Butter Cow, and at 7 feet from Georgetown, Gumby Gumby.

Today, the Cactus and Reed Show bids a fond farewell to one of its own. Our very own Intern #1 is moving on to greener pastures. Even though Intern #1 was a little hesitant at first, she eventually embraced her role, coming through with such guests as Coming Out of the Closet Lance Bass and Cigar Box Fidel Castro. We can't say enough about her contributions to the show, so I'll just let her resignation letter do the talking.....

It is with great sorrow that I announce my resignation as Intern #1 from the Cactus and Reed Show. I came to know of the show during the last days at 787 when the producers would have discussions in "the parlor". MC Skilly Skillz and I were skeptical of this parlor talk show at first, but we have become lucky enough to partake in the growth and the "new direction" of the show during the Lindsay Lohan days. (By the way, I wish Ms. Lohan a speedy recovery in rehab.) Thanks to the Booker and MC Skilly Skillz for showing me the ropes of the show and allowing me to create my own guest every now and then. I have great faith that Intern #2a will be a wonderful addition to the show and it will continue to flourish amongst its porn community following and beyond. I will keep up to date on the show happenings through the blog and myspace pages and will spread the word about the greatness that is the Cactus and Reed Show at my new office. It was the best internship EVER! I hope to make it to happy hour tomorrow but if I can't I wish you all the best! Sincerely,Intern #1

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Today on the New Cactus and Reed Show, it's Bad Boy George with The Paparazzi and Sharlynn Page and the Life Sized Butter Cow.

Today on the Cactus and Reed Show, disgraced 80's showman, Boy George. This weekend Boy George fulfilled his community service requirement for filing a false police report by cleaning up trash in Chinatown and Little Italy. In true washed up 80s celebrity fashion, George had a gang of paparazzi that followed him throughout his cleanup and susequent visit to the show.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Today on the New Cactus and Reed Show, it's Rosie Perez and special guest, live from the Iowa State Fair, Sharylnn Page with Life-Size Butter Cow and the Cuban Daisy, El Preidente, Fidel Castro.

Today, on the New Cactus and Reed Show, Brooklyn activist Rosie Perez. Rosie came on the show to protest the construction of the Ratner Arena in the Atlantic Yards area of Brooklyn. This is an issue many of our staff members are passionate about as they would be forced to live in the shadow of Ratner's ridiculously overblown project. Rosie opposes the project saying that it ruins the local flavor of Brooklyn and is just development for development's sake, not for the betterment of the community.
Also today, the first in what we hope to be a new segment on the Cactus and Reed Show, Roving Reporter Sharlynn Page, live from the Iowa State Fair. Sharylnn brought us to the most exciting exhibit at the State Fair, the life sized butter cow. If you have an idea for a Roving Reporter segment, e-mail mcskillyskillz@gmail.com. All suggestions will be considered but don't bring in any weak ideas...only ideas as good as life-sized butter cows will be considered.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Today on the New Cactus and Reed Show, the Cuban Daisy, El Presidente, Fidel Castro! In honor of his eightieth birthday, with the head of the goddamn mayor and raging anti-semite, Mel Gibson!

Today the Cactus and Reed Show pulled off a major coup. Continuing with the hard hitting news angle brought in with the New Cactus, our bookers managed to secure the first interview with Fidel Castro since his recent illness. Snuck in to the cargo bay of a plane bound for JFK and then secreted to our studios via the Mystery Machine, Castro discussed his life, his loves, and the future of Cuba after his emminent death. Viva la revolution!

The Intern

In addition to the New Cactus, yesterday the show also welcomed a new Intern. Next week our beloved Intern #1 will be departing and Intern #2 will move up to the #1 spot so we decided to bring some new blood into the fold. Because of the first cactus's untimely demise and some uncertainty surrounding the New Cactus, we thought it best to have a Cactus Intern waiting in the wings. In the above picture, Wednesday's guest, Shaggy, chats up the New Intern.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Today on a VERY special Cactus and Reed Show....the NEW CACTUS!!!!!

After the untimely demise from a mysterious skin disease of our previous host Cactus, we here at the Cactus and Reed Show had a hard time finding someone to fill his pot. Originally it was thought that Lindsay Lohan would be a good balance for the more serious Reed but lately their differences have become an issue. Also La Lohan has recently been involved in a number of public scandals that have begun to worry our producers. So, after an arduous search along a desolate, barren stretch of 28th street, two of our most dedicated staff members found the NEW CACTUS! It was a harrowing return trip as they were caught in a surprise deluge, but they eventually made it back to the set in time for today's show. Everyone please give a warm welcome to the NEW CACTUS!

Wednesday, August 9, 2006

Today on The New Cactus and Reed Show with Lindsay Lohan, it's Shaaaggyyy, Floyd Landis and his hypodermic needle, the head of the goddamn mayor, and at 7 feet from Georgetown, Gumby, Gumby.

Today on the New Cactus and Reed Show, a truly inspired guest, Shaggy from Scooby Doo. The show got a little rowdy and f-bombs were flying! At one point one a procucer came in and wagged his finger at "those meddling kids!"

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

Today on The New Cactus and Reed Show with Lindsay Lohan, disgraced Tour de France winner, Floyd Landis, Jack Nicholson, the head of the goddamn mayor, and at 7 feet from Georgetown, Gumby Gumby.

Today on a very special Cactus and Reed Show, Floyd Landis discussed his fall from grace as test after test shows that he did use some form of performance enhancing drug on his way to victory in the Tour de France. Unfortunately the presence of Floyd Landis exposed the ever growing rift between La Lohan and her co-host Reed. Reed enjoys the occassional hard hitting news story while Lindsay has been pushing more guests like fellow celebutwat Paris Hilton.

Monday August 7, 2006

Today on The New Cactus and Reed Show with Lindsay Lohan, he always knows what time it is, it's Flavor Flav, with Richard Simmons, Lance Bass, and at 7 feet from Georgetown, Gumby Gumby.

On today's show the creative team delved into the realm of Dadaism with Flavor Flav in the cuckoo clock with 3D grill. Now that the show has a clock, it's always 10:10 on the The New Cactus and Reed Show. Flav was here to promote the second season of his VH1 celebreality show, Flavor of Love. Also on the show Lance Bass continued with his coming out of the closet tour at the Brooklyn Cyclones Stadium, but will not be visiting the Staten Island Yankees because the island is populated by intolerant Republicans.

Friday, August 4, 2006

Today on the Cactus and Reed Show with Lindsay Lohan, America's Poet Laureate, Robert Zimmerman!!

Lately the Cactus and Reed Show has been hit by a series of power outages and rocked by scandal. The show to rebound, to bounce back with the biggest guest the show has ever seen. The crew pulled together and pulled it off. Today, from his tour of minor league ballparks, the greatest musician of our time, or perhaps any time, Bob Dylan. So as not to offend the baseball allegiances of the producers, Mr. Dylan performed at the stadiums of both the Staten Island Yankees and the Brooklyn Cyclones. Mr. Dylan performed several selections including Simple Twist of Fate and the classic, Like a Rolling Stone.

Thursday, August 3, 2006

Today on the Cactus and Reed Show with Lindsay Lohan, a special honeymoon edition with Pam Anderson and Kid Rock.

Today on the show, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock joined us from their honeymoon. Even though they aren't legally married, the two plan to make it official once they return to the states. The show did get a little out of control when Kid Rock and Lindsay Lohan got into an argument over some sort of unidentified white powder.

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

SCANDAL!! Today, scandal rocked the set of the Cactus and Reed Show with Lindsay Lohan when it was revealed that co-host and Reed replacement Lindsay Lohan appeared at former guest Jeremy Piven's 41st birthday party wearing only a fleshkini and a new tattoo. There was some speculation that the fleshkini may actually have been carefully stitched slices of prisciutto.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Today, a Cactus and Reed Show exclusive, the jailhouse interview you've been waiting for....on the Cactus and Reed Show with Lindsay Lohan, it's raging anti-semite, Mel Gibson.

The Cactus and Reed show got back to its roots today with a hard hitting jailhouse interview with raging anti-semite, Mel Gibson. Mel discussed his battle with substance abuse and why he tried to brainwash everyone into thinking he knows exactly what happened in the Bible with his propoganda filled movie, The Passion of the Christ. Mel will remain on set for several days, but is not allowed to leave the confines of his jail cell, lest he attack certain lapsed Jews in the vicinity.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Today on the Cactus and Reed Show with Lindsay Lohan, New York Dolls founder David Johanssen and a Cactus and Reed exclusive....Coming Out of the Closet...Lance Bass!!

The show started out with special guest David Johansen. David became the first star to ever appear on both the original Cactus and Reed Show and the new show with Lindsay Lohan. Following David's appearance, there was an exclusive interview with Lance Bass. Lance discussed his reasons for finally coming out of the closet and his relationship with former Amazing Race winner, Reichen. Lance will stick around the set to offer encouragement to anyone else who may feel the need to come out of the closet.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Today, a special musical extravaganza, the Cactus and Reed Show with Lindsay Lohan. On today's show, Queen Latifah, the E Street Band, and a special guest from the beyond, The Chairman of the Board, Frank Sinatra!

Today's episode of Cactus and Reed is full of New Jersy natives playing everyone's favorites. We kicked things off with Queen Latifah who was joined for a duet with paranormal favorite and Hoboken native, Mr. Frank Sinatra.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Today on the Cactus and Reed Show with Lindsay Lohan, its Danny Devito, Big Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, the head of the goddamn mayor, and at 7 feet from Georgetown, Gumby Gumby.

Today on the Cactus and Reed show, New Jersey native Danny Devito was here to promote his new television show, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. The E Street band had a special performance of "Rosalita" for a very special cube resident.